The Big Why? Lie & Integrity

Do you “wonder how you” lie? If you have a negative reaction to this statement, you are denying the basic connection to language, identity, and your own humanity. Everyone lies at one time or another, but it is not who you are on the inside.

According to my Random House Webster’s College Dictionary, 1991, a lie as a noun is defined:

1. a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive: a falsehood.
2. something intended or serving to convey a false impression; imposture.
3. the charge or accusation of lying.

As a intransitive verb:
4. to speak falsely or utter untruth knowingly, as with intent to deceive.
5. to express what is false; convey a false impression.

A liar is defined as a person who tells lies. So are you a liar?

Yes and no. Here are your clues: false statement, intent to deceive, and false impression. Lying is a behavior that relates to language and liar is a term used to describe a behavior. Your behaviors are not who you are inside, they are the ways you learned to cope and adapt to your life to survive.

Let me explain by sharing this story about my new granddaughter, Makenna. A few months ago, I agreed to temporarily baby sit Makenna. My daughter was nervous about leaving her two-month-old with just anyone. I was busy working on my business but I chose to help her out on a short term basis.
 
On one of my babysitting days, while rocking Makenna, I was thinking about writing my next blog post and my work piling up. I felt conflicted about my choice to take time out to baby sit. I wanted to be fully present to Makenna, but I was so preoccupied with my work I felt angst about what I was doing.

Suddenly, I felt her little body melt in my arms and stared down at her angelic face. We sat listening to our favorite pan-flute music and continued to rock. A wave of emotion swelled up inside and tears flowed down my cheeks. It dawned on me. She is my most important work, as are my other grandchildren, children, husband, and family. I do what I do for them.

I continued to observe Makenna as she drifted off to sleep. These thoughts appeared, “Makenna does not lie, deceive, or put on a false impression. She does not pretend to be hungry when she’s not, happy when she’s sad, dry when she’s wet, or scared when she’s not. She smiles even when I forget the words to “Itsy Bitter Spider” and sing off key. She holds no judgment about my singing ability, or me. What is she teaching me?”
 
That day changed everything. Makenna literally put the grand back in grandma. She helped me reconnect to the simple joys of life and the miracle of being human.

This wonderful exchange of positive energy by just being present, in the moment, did wonders for me. She gave me deeper insight into my work and passion. I figured if I paid full attention to her, she would teach me something I forgot and I could not lie to her. She had the unique ability to tap “I’m too busy” on the shoulder and pull me back to the moment with her.

I found this fascinating. It made me realize babies come into this world as truly energetic authentic little beings. Their world revolves around their basic needs. They are present to every moment and have an acute ability to sense positive and negative energy.

This energetic ability is all they have in their mental tool bag to begin. It’s a knowing without words. I remembered glimpses of this with my own children and other grandchildren, when I took the time. Unfortunately, when they were babies, I was “too busy” trying to survive to take the time I really needed fully enjoy the beauty of their life and mine.

I also recalled that over time their ability to sense pure energy receded as they developed language, identity, and learned to how survive in the world. I suspected this slow process of losing the “just being oneself” in the moment began with the onset of language.

I became even more determined to empower people to thrive and not merely survive in their Leadership Garden. I began to wonder how I could incorporate my desire to make a difference in the world and still spend time with her.

My babysitting days ended and instead become grandma days. She reminded me to slow down and pay attention to the beauty and miracle of life. But, in the process, they were working sessions for the two of us. I knew she had much to teach me while I tended to her basic needs. She was my new little seed to nurture in Grandma’s Leadership Garden.

Her Grandma has big dreams and a purpose to empower extraordinary leadership in life. I have a goal to seed and nurture 11 million Leadership Gardens. I know now why, even though I still don’t know how to accomplish it fully. I did find that the harder I worked at my business, the more lost I felt and knew that spending time with Makenna would help show me the way.

Given what I know so far about life, I shutter to think my darling little Makenna will grow out of this wonderful state of being human. I know she will learn many wonderful new things. I also know she will learn to protect an identity she will develop by her unique life experiences. She, too, will forget the essence of who she is, lie and get lost at times - for that too is part of the human journey.

For the moment, I cherish the fact that she is nothing more and nothing less than just Makenna: the pure essence of an authentic human being. In her presence, I am nothing more and nothing less than her grandma who sings, dances, plays, and loves in her presence. And when she’s lost, I want her to learn how to find her way back to the authenticity and integrity she now has.

In the fable portion my book, U.N.I.Q.U.E.: Growing the Leader Within, Asli, the goose in the Quality Yard, introduces Hugh, the lost sheep, to his golden egg of leadership. The golden egg of leadership is integrity. Integrity is a symbol of your word, a leader’s most prized possession.

The loss of integrity begins with language and erodes as you move through childhood and adulthood. When you say one thing and do another, you lose your golden egg. When you pretend you are something you are not, you lose your golden egg. When you give a false impression or intentionally deceive someone or yourself, you lose your golden egg. To find your golden egg, you restore your integrity aka “your word.”

But wait, there’s more. When you say yes, and mean no, you lose your golden egg. When you say yes, and do it anyway to keep your word and then resent what you do, you still lose your golden egg. When you show up at a job that you hate, and only put your time in, you lose your golden egg. When you go from relationship to relationship searching for the right one, and fail to be the right one, you lose your golden egg.

These examples can go on and on. So while the practice of integrity begins with your word, if you give your word to things or people that don’t connect to your true self, you still have no integrity. There is dissonance between the inner and outer self that you feel inside.

When you are true to your unique purpose and aim, you feel good inside and experience wholeness and completeness; the basic definition of integrity. True fulfillment in life is a journey that begins by finding the words to articulate your dreams and passions that are hidden inside your heart, mind, and spirit. Then, if your words and deeds don’t line up to who you are inside, you have a place to return to restore your integrity.

One of my mentors, Barbara De Angelis, once mentioned the “Pathless Path.” Now it makes perfect sense. We ignore our inner guidance and direction and listen to and follow what our outer world expects of us. I now knew why my inner voice chose the lost sheep, Hugh - the symbol of our heart, mind, and spirit - to convey the message of leadership in my book. He was intended to help me discover the essence of Grandma’s Leadership Garden.

It wasn’t until baby Makenna came along, did I see that once again I was looking for true fulfillment in all the wrong places. She became my little guide "my healing baby" to lead me back to my authenticity and integrity.

The biggest barrier I have found to my freedom and fulfillment in life is to pretend that I have it all together and to cover up the hurt and pain of a lost innocence I once felt. Lies and false impressions may have concealed my pain and hurt on the outside, but only served to keep them alive on the inside.

Someday Makenna will discover too that life is a journey, not forward but back, to discover the essence of what she already knows inside. I gaze into her eyes frequently and ask, “Tell me who you are.” Her eyes twinkle back as if to whisper, “Be patient Grandma, it’s a delightful surprise.”